The different grades of mummy tan
I’m looking a bit tanned at the moment, thanks to floating round the pool on a lilo while watching the kids on Friday mornings, but my “mummy tan” is far from the flawless version I used to sport pre-kids. I think the type of tan a mum has depends a lot on the age of her children.
Kids aged 1-3: The playground tan
Developed over endless afternoons spent pushing small, helpless children on the swing or helping them climb up the slide, this consists of a healthy, outdoors face, tanned shoulders and arms, white legs, and feet with a flip-flop “V” mark on them. It’s not great but, after the nightmare of having a new-born stuck on your boobs, you’re grateful even for that.
Kids aged 3+: The mummy tan
This is the tan you get when watching older, slightly more independent children. It develops while you lie on your back (on the lounger or the lilo) watching the kids but, because they’re not yet old enough for you to be able to lie face down and ignore them while you roast the back of your body, only the front of your body – face, shoulders, arms, chest, legs and feet – go brown, while the back of your body remains completely white. It’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s welcome progress from the playground tan.
Kids 12+: The teen-mum tan
I’m hoping this will be the real deal – tanned back and front – because it’ll be gained from floating round the pool on the lilo all Saturday morning while periodically yelling at my teenage children to get their lazy asses out of bed. Gosh, from my current perspective of 5.45am wake-ups, that sounds mighty good…